May 1: Today's Feelings

[kinetic_elaboration]

I think today has taught me that I do in fact need that vacation I sorta have coming up. Absolutely wretched at work. Just terrible. Lasted about 5,000 years, I was still hurting the first couple of hours, and then an Annoyance happened that wounded me disproportionately such that I felt… wounded for the rest of the day. I’m so confused about taking the whole middle of the week off, and I guess in some sense maybe I should have been off today. Like, emotionally.

I was fully expecting to get home and just wallow in misery but as soon as I was outside and then got back here I felt tons better. There’s something messed up about feeling that the high point of your week was the day you took off sick but that’s sort of how I feel. I liked having time to rest and I liked having time to work slowly and I liked being in my little home. Sort of the first time I’ve felt that way in years, it felt like. But maybe that’s an exaggeration or a trick of memory. Really the point is that just everything was screaming vacation, vacation, vacation. Staycation, even.

So I did feel better when I got here and I wouldn’t say I’ve done anything very productive this evening but I also didn’t jut wallow. And I got most of my packing done. i still need to shower, which is fine except I don’t want to get up. It’s later than it should be and my body still feels not entirely right.

I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow, to be totally honest. At least I get to leave early.