October 14: Mess and Desires

[kinetic_elaboration]

Kind of a mess today but so is everyone/thing. The doors didn’t work in the morning. The cafe was closed because it’s October break so I spent an hour wandering around looking for something to eat (this is not an exaggeration; I got an avocado bagel eventually). I tripped and fell and scraped my knee coming back from the store after work. And then later I dropped part of my dinner on me when it was still hot.

I really want to take an afternoon off. Maybe Friday? It’s so fucking nice out, perfect fall weather, and I’m not outside enough. And I feel like spooky season is passing me by. Like, not Christmas shit in the stores already, it’s barely mid-October! But I also haven’t really, like, done anything and that’s on me. I just want to take the next two weeks off to be full time spooky but I think that’s probably not realistic.

I had this feeling earlier today like I wanted to just DO things, because gosh there’s so much to do. Which is true.

I think I’m looking for a sense of being refreshed. I always feel so grody and so heavy. In the sense of being weight down. I don’t know. All my fantasies are like ‘what if I did things in an organized way.’ 'What if I checked items off a list.’ 'What if I worked systematically.’ 'What if I was clean.’ 'What if I had clean sheets and clean floors.’

Not that this is outside the realm of possibility.

Anyway, I was just glad that I made it through today and I went grocery shopping. That’s major accomplishment there.