August 24: Another Note

[kinetic_elaboration]

I wish I had something fictional to share because I don’t really want to talk about myself but I don’t feel too creative and it’s late, so.

I finally actually accomplished some stuff with this weekend, so it’s not a wash, but I still feel mentally knotted up. It’s a little bit of Sunday blues, a little bit of chronic unproductivity, a little bit of the season, I guess. I feel deeply unprepared for everything.

I’ve said this before, and thought it before, but I’d really like to take a long afternoon outside and just sift through my thoughts in some fresh air and without distraction. Especially my creative thoughts, because I’ve felt VERY knotted there. I feel like I could use a good general list, too, but I basically already have one of those and there it’s not so much not knowing what I should be doing or need to do but just, eh, the effort. But with writing I am just all over the place and that doesn’t feel particularly good. I thought on Friday that I could sort this out at home but I increasingly feel like I can’t when I’m typing and when I’m distracted by screens and so on. It’s a weird sort of thing to think but that’s my instinct about it.

I think I’m confused about what I want to write and how. It’s an unpleasant feeling. Maybe there’s no sort of thought process that will help that; maybe it’s just about throwing myself into something and doing it. But I feel like there’s a block, regardless.

Ugh. I just–don’t want to do tomorrow. It is probably a good or even necessary thing for me to get out and even to have the structure of my work day and yet?? The cost???